Symptoms: Intrusive Thoughts

Last week we began our very first series titled “Symptoms”. We kicked off the series with one of the less sensitive topics of sleep. This week we are going to dive right into one of the more serious symptoms: intrusive thoughts.

Remember, everyone’s desert is a bit different. Not everyone struggles with intrusive thoughts, but some do. I did. If you were lucky enough to not struggle with them during your desert, please do not be quick to judge. If you have never gone through maternal mental illness, again, do not be quick to judge. It may be shocking to get into the head of someone who did have them, but it could have just as easily been you.

As always, I am not a medical professional. I am simply speaking from my experience. Please speak with your doctor.

What they are:

In simple terms, intrusive thoughts are thoughts that just pop into your head unwarranted and unwanted. They are not thoughts that you would typically think and often times are completely out of your character.

I am only really able to speak from my personal experience with them. For me, they were not necessarily just thoughts, they were visual. They would play in my head like a scene from an HD movie. And they were graphic.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

I would see myself driving off of the overpass near our apartment and into oncoming traffic. I would see myself stabbing a knife into my leg or my stomach. I would see myself jumping out the window and landing on the concrete below.

These thoughts are different than feelings of self-harm or suicide. That is a completely different topic. These thoughts were unwelcomed. It’s not like I was just sitting around daydreaming of hurting myself. I struggled with intrusive thoughts mainly during my pregnancy, before the postpartum period really began, when I wasn’t even really in the depths of depression. I would literally be minding my own business doing the dishes, maybe even singing to the radio and having a good time. But then when I pick up a knife from the silverware drain to put it away, suddenly I have this graphic imagery placed in front of my eyes. The first time it happened it scared the heck out of me. I threw the knife into the drawer and slammed it shut. “What the heck was that?”

I understand that not all intrusive thoughts like the one’s I had. They can be about anything. Mamas who struggle with Post Partum Anxiety may have intrusive thoughts about their baby being hurt. I’ve heard of women having visuals of their baby being ran over by a car or dropped out of a window.

The bottom line is that intrusive thoughts are unwelcomed thoughts that are typically out of character for the person thinking them.

Why They Are A Problem and How to Combat Them

For me personally, they were a problem because I became ashamed. I struggled to distinguish my real thoughts from these intrusive ones being placed into my mind by my hormones. “How could I think this? What is wrong with me? How could I think of stabbing my pregnant belly with this knife? I am not made to be a mom”.

The best advice I have on how to combat these thoughts are to not give them power. If you struggle with them, you struggle with them. If they come, they come. But don’t give them authority over your heart.

Remind yourself that it’s not YOU. These thoughts are not YOU. They aren’t welcomed. Let them come and let them go. Don’t dwell on them. Don’t take them into your identity and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for having them. They’re not welcomed. They’re not you and they don’t say anything about your character. I had to get to a point where I would have to tell myself that when I had one. “It’s just an intrusive thought. It’s not your thought. It does not define you. It’s unwelcomed. Don’t dwell on it. Move on.”

Another problem with this symptom is that it is a scary one to open up about. The fear of being judged or looked at as “insane” is enough to make us want to keep it to ourselves. It took me a long time to tell my husband what was going on in my head, and I’m not sure that I ever did tell my doctor. I’m pretty sure that this may actually be the first time I am telling anyone aside from my husband about my secret thought life.

However, learn from my mistake. Don’t take so long to open up about it. Keeping them in can be dangerous. Talk to someone around you about it, and better yet, talk to your counselor.

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